For the last month or so, Scott and I have both been very busy, and we will both be busy for the next month and a half. So busy, that we haven't spent much time together on weekends because we are doing things. Then, during the week, we have some evening meetings, or we go to the gym, and work out "together" (we're in the same weight room, but not really quality time together). This has caused me to reflect on how my view on relationships has changed a lot since we got married.
When I was single, I was also pretty busy, and I purposefully was involved in a lot of things because I wanted to do things while I was single, and then someday, when I got married, I would be happy to do less, spend more time with my family, and still know that I had done them. I made time to see my friends and my family, but if I was really busy for a couple weeks, I was ok. I wasn't lonely or emotional or felt rejected. I knew I was single, and I was ok with that, and I didn't mind being home alone at night, or even spending a weekend day by myself.
Since I've gotten married, I'm finding that when Scott and I don't spend much time together, and when we're both busy, I am getting very emotional and lonely. My level of "busyness" hasn't changed (maybe even LESS busy!), yet I feel so withdrawn from the world and all relationships. When Scott was at a conference for a few days, I even became angry with him for my loneliness!
I spent some time reading my Bible and praying about this. I don't want to be overly emotional, and I want to understand why I'm so much more emotional now that I used to be. I realized that part of the change is that my expectations for what is waiting for me at home has changed. Before, there wasn't someone at home to rely on, so I didn't expect anyone. Now, I know that Scott is there, and now I have an emotional attachment and reliance on him based on our love. That has changed me in wonderful ways, and it has also caused me to really miss him when he is not around, or when we don't have a lot of time to spend together. Wow! I'm not as strong as I thought I was!
This past weekend we purposefully decided not to make any plans or go anywhere, and spent Saturday together. It was great. Now, for the next 5 weeks of extreme busyness, I will be praying daily for emotional sturdiness, and thanking God every day that I am not alone.
1 comment:
Being fiercely independent is celebrated by our culture, but I don't think always by our heavenly father. There is a balance. He doesn't want us not to be in relationships with him or others, but we also cannot be so dependent on other people that we do not take care of ourselves. We need to be completely dependent on God, and often He provides the support we need through other people, especially our spouses and family. It is good that you crave time with Scott! I'd be worried if you didn't. I love the way God has softened your heart over the last couple years. You have become more emotional, yes, but that's not all bad. Goodness knows I'm insanely emotional. I'll be happy to listen to you cry when you need to and offer hugs in plenty when you're lonely. Or I can lend you a kid or two...
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